It’s called Tee Boi’s Swinger Trailer Park, and it’s gaining attention as it gets ready to swing into southern Louisiana.
Their motto: “Bring your house and share your spouse.”
“You can come to Mamou for many good things. This will be one of them,” said David Aucoin, the man behind Tee Boi’s.
He’s opening it for couples who are into swinging, and he says the swinger community is surprisingly bigger than you may think.
“Live free and don’t be scared of it. There’s a big community of it. I think a bunch of them aren’t shy. The ones that are shy, hell with them. Roll with it. It’s a good thing compared to most things,” Aucoin said.
Since putting up the sign where the swinger park will be, Aucoin says he’s gotten calls from swingers across the country.
“We have got some from Pennsylvania, we have got some from Arkansas, of course all around Acadiana, all around Mamou, Ville Platte, Lafayette, Baton Rouge, New Orleans, Slidell. We have text messages from all over the country. It’s mind-boggling,” he said.
He says they’re getting so many calls, they can barely keep up.
“Most of them call or text just to see if it’s real, just to see if somebody is going to answer because they’ll say, ‘Oh, no. Nobody is there. It’s not a real number.’ Or they’ll get on Facebook and say, ‘Oh, it’s not a real number,’” said Aucoin.
“I got on there and said, ‘I’d be a fat frog’s butt if it’s not a real number,’” said Aucion. “Everybody starts calling, and they start calling, ‘Hey, what’s y’all’s address? Is this in Mamou? Where is this at?’ Yes, it is.”
The sign for this swingers’ community says you have to send a picture of your spouse for approval, but Aucoin says that’s just a joke.
“That was more of a joke to kind of ease up the people and just to create a vibe. People went further with it than you can imagine. We’ve gotten many pictures and many phone calls and many texts, voicemails. It’s unreal,” he said.
Aucoin says he has a message for the haters, though.
“Sucks to be them,” he said. “There’s no reason to get mad at anybody for their preference. They’re not out here hurting nobody. Nobody is selling drugs here. People just want to have a good time, enjoy themselves the way they want to. That’s perfectly what it is.”
Aucoin says the grand opening for Tee Boi’s Swinger Trailer Park is set for Memorial Day weekend of 2022.
When it’s finished, the site will have a nude pool, a nude yoga stadium, a strip poker hall, and a key party cabana. He says you’ll have to look up a key party to find out what that one is.
Aucoin also says you can choose to live at the trailer park, but he’s designed it to operate more like a campground where swingers can come for “party-themed weekends.”
The high-priced hustle of financial domination, where “pay pigs” send tributes to their cash masters.
Credit…Camila Falquez for The New York Times
By Alexandra Weiss
Published April 10, 2021Updated April 12, 2021
To celebrate her 27th birthday, Mistress Marley, a professional dominatrix from Harlem, flew to Tulum, Mexico, where she rented a modern four-bedroom villa with a limestone pool, private beach and personal chef.
For four days, she and six friends swam in the warm Caribbean waters, went zip-lining in the Mayan jungle and dined on fresh lobsters and tequila at boho-chic restaurants.
Whenever she wanted money, she said, she would set up her iPhone on the coconut-filled beach and command her online suitors to chip in.
“Tulum has been amazing thus far. Keep funding my trip!” she posted to her Twitter followers in late January, along with her CashApp handle and a 15-second video showing off her curvaceous bikini body, bright red fingernails and flowing dark tresses.
Soon, she said, money began flowing into her account. “Please take all of my money for your trip, I don’t deserve it,” wrote Betaboy10, who gave $500, according to screen shots she provided to The New York Times. Another, named SubMike00, sent $250. A user who goes by Peter Zapp sent $400, along with the message: “I’d do anything to be owned by you.”
Welcome to the lucrative world of financial domination, a form of B.D.S.M. that has flourished during the pandemic, when many sex workers and their customers have migrated online because of social distancing precautions. The concept is simple, even if the allure is not immediately self-evident: “finsubs” (short for “financial submissives”) send monetary “tributes” to a financial dominatrix, who could be any gender, in exchange for being humiliated and degraded.
“It’s controlling someone through their wallet,” said Mistress Marley. (The Times agreed to identify her only by her professional name to prevent stalkers from finding her.) “I love waking up every day realizing that submissive men pay all my bills and I don’t spend a dime.”
Trysts take place mostly online, though there can be in-person encounters. And the humiliation could be as fleeting as a few moments, or persist for hours during so-called draining sessions, when the dominatrix hurls a barrage of insults and demands that ends only when a monetary cap is reached or a finsub’s bank account hits zero — whichever comes first.
In its purest form, financial domination is not transactional. Sending money is the kink, and finsubs offer tributes without expecting anything in return. “The arousal is in the act,” said Phillip Hammack, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz and the director of its Sexual and Gender Diversity Laboratory. “It’s about that loss of control.”
Along with B.D.S.M. in general, financial domination has had wider exposure in recent years through social media and popular culture. On the Netflix comedy “Bonding,” the lead character, Tiff, is a graduate student who moonlights as a dominatrix; she meets a high-powered C.E.O. who gets aroused by having her spend $10,000 at a boutique. And on the Gen Z morality tale “Euphoria,” one of the show’s addled high school students, Kat, becomes a financial dominatrix as a way of reclaiming her sexuality.
The fetish is increasingly visible, even as the pandemic has restricted how sex workers can make a living. Just ask Mistress Marley, who previously made the majority of her income from in-person dominatrix sessions. She has made up to $5,000 a week as a financial dominatrix or “findomme,” she said, and provided The Times with screen shots of financial transactions.
“So many people are thriving off of this industry online,” she said. “I know this because I’m thriving.”
‘Who Wants to Buy Me Lunch?’
Mistress Marley earned a master’s degree in fashion marketing in 2018. While she was in school, she worked casually as a so-called sugar baby, an arrangement in which one person — usually younger — is supported financially by a partner, or “sugar daddy.”
After graduation, she found a job in fashion as a buyer for a large corporation. But when she wasn’t earning as much as she’d hoped, she Googled: “How to make money as a woman online.”
Among the first search results was a 2013 Vice article, “Financial Domination Is a Very Expensive Fetish,” about a Pennsylvania woman named Cleo Tantra who said that financial dominatrixes like herself could make “a few thousand a month.”
Intrigued, Mistress Marley scoured the web and took copious notes: favorite apps and social media platforms (CashApp and Twitter); their colorful aliases (Goddess Taylor Knight; Miss Melody May; Divine Goddess Jessica); what finsubs liked to pay for (manicures, champagne dinners and designer clothes).
A week later, she created a Twitter account with her new nom de findomme — Mistress Marley — and posted a simple message with no photo: “Who wants to buy me lunch?” Two days later, she said, she received her first tribute: $25 from an anonymous CashApp user.
The more Mistress Marley posted (not just on Twitter, but also on Instagram, OnlyFans and Patreon), the more money flowed. She uploaded seductive videos of herself in a black corset, dancing to Megan Thee Stallion. She snapped photos of Fendi purses and other gifts. She met finsubs in person and recorded the interactions.
By her second year, she said, she was making up to $2,500 a week. That’s when she quit her job in fashion.
As her following grew, she became bolder. In 2019, she attended homecoming at North Carolina Central University, a historically Black college in Durham, N.C., from which she graduated, in full dominatrix regalia: black leather corset, yellow snakeskin-pattern leggings and black suede platform boots.
But the most scandalous part of this stunt was at the other end of her leash: a middle-aged white man whom she said she met a few days earlier on FetLife, a social media platform for the B.D.S.M. community.
She walked the man across the campus like a dog, stopping occasionally to pat his balding head. A video shows onlookers gawking and snapping photos. One attendee shared a video on Twitter with the caption: “She brought her sugar daddy to homecoming.” Mistress Marley reposted it with a correction: “That’s not my sugar daddy, it’s my sub LOL. He pays for me to control him.”
Mistress Marley also puts her performance in a larger historical context. “For me, especially as a Black woman, I see my financial gains as reparations, because the majority, if not all of my clients, are white men,” she said.
By morning, the video had amassed over three million views, and her inbox was flooded with requests from finsubs and women who wanted to learn more about financial domination. Among them was King Kourt, 33, a medical data analyst and part-time secretary from Cleveland. (That is her professional name, which The Times agreed to use for safety concerns.) “I saw her video and instantly thought: ‘I want to walk a white man on a leash,’” she said.
Mistress Marley invited her to join Black Domme Sorority, a collective she started to help Black women navigate the world of financial domination. The group hosts brunches, charity events, sex tutorials and safety classes. This made her the face of this kind of work, resulting in attention like a profile in Paper magazine.
“Findom feels safe because it’s online, and there’s no sex involved,” said King Kourt, who joined the sorority and said she now makes about $2,500 a month from 10 finsubs.
While many practitioners are women (and their subs male), there are male findoms who cater to men. “I’m bisexual, but for me, it’s not about that,” said a 28-year-old “cash master” in Buffalo who works as Ted Smith. “If you’re not enjoying the power struggle, then why are you doing this?”
There are also nonbinary findommes like Goddess Ambrosia, 24, a former chef and activist from Salt Lake City, who uses the pronouns they and them, and appeals to male subs.
“In the capitalist society we live in, money is so fetishized, especially by men,” they said. “Men are taught from a very young age that they need to be breadwinners and they need to provide for women, for their families.”
“As a nonbinary person, to be able to take that power away from men really subverts those expectations,” Goddess Ambrosia added.
The desire to be financially humiliated is not limited to men. Some women find it arousing, too. “Women are taught to see men as powerful figures,” said a 28-year-old dominatrix from Brooklyn who has many female clients and who works under the name Miss Orion. “But my subs want to submit to me and give me their minds, bodies and souls because I am a woman, and they see that as powerful.”
Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, financial domination is ultimately about power.
“It’s a power exchange, just like in B.D.S.M., only it’s without ropes or chains — it’s with money,” said Joe Kort, a sex and relationship therapist and co-director of the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes in West Palm Beach, Fla. “The money is, in fact, the chains, because dommes are tying up subs financially. The eroticism for the subs comes from feeling owned.”
Cult Clare, 25, a TikTok creator from Brooklyn, dabbles in findom whenever she wants to feel bossy. “I really do enjoy the control,” she said. “It’s empowering, particularly as women, because we’re taught to constantly undervalue ourselves. Findom really gives you a space to say, ‘No, I’m worth this much, and if you can’t pay that, then get away.’”
I Need to Hand Over Everything
Giving away your hard-earned money may seem counterintuitive or unpleasant, like paying off credit cards and student loans. But for finsubs, who are also known as “pay pigs,” it is liberating and titillating.
That was something that one submissive, a manager of a Dallas nonprofit who goes by the online alias R.J., discovered about himself in the late 1990s, when he was trolling an AOL chat room for white supremacists. One day, R.J., now 56, said, he got into an argument with a man from Mississippi, who later sent R.J. a private message saying that he knew where R.J. lived and threatened to send friends to beat him up.
R.J., who was granted anonymity because he believed he would be fired, panicked and pleaded for forgiveness. The user instructed R.J. to list his valuables, and when R.J. mentioned a new inkjet printer, the user told him to send it. He balked at first, but the stranger was unrelenting. At his day job, R.J. leads a large team and he found the idea of ceding control surprisingly appealing, so he took the printer to the post office.
Over the next months, R.J. said, he also mailed a scanner, Zip drive, digital camera and CD player. Then he started sending money. Each time, the user would belittle R.J., calling him pathetic and a loser. R.J. was hooked.
“As a sub, I have this need, this fetish, to hand over everything,” said R.J., who is gay and single, and estimated that he has spent more than $150,000 on dozens of cash masters since he started. “It’s this feeling of giving up complete control, of someone having ownership over you. I find that really arousing.”
The feeling is echoed by other financial submissives. “This idea of giving their money away, and not knowing what’s going to happen — it’s the ultimate surrender of power, and it’s very liberating for them,” said Dr. Hammack, the psychology professor.
Dr. Hammack said that financial domination can help people struggling with control issues. “I believe that findom can actually be a really healthy way to manifest the part of human nature that is about power asymmetry and hierarchy,” he said. “It becomes a context for healthy growth and development.”
Financial domination is helping Charlie, 29, a sales manager in Ohio, identify as a transgender woman, even as she presents as a man in her “vanilla” life, she said. King Kourt, her findomme, has full access to one of her bank accounts, she said, and as part of a “consensual blackmail” arrangement, King Kourt threatens to expose Charlie as a woman in exchange for money.
The idea, both said, is to encourage Charlie to live as she wants in public as well as private.
Giving up financial control may also help some finsubs become more empathetic. William M., 31, a technology manager for a school system, said that he spends $300 a month on Queen Astro, 31, a findomme from Los Angeles. Every time he sends money, she publicly belittles him on Twitter or degrades him on Skype.
“I used to be much more self-centered,” William said. “As I’ve explored this fetish, I’ve definitely become more aware of other people, their feelings and putting them before myself,” adding that he sacrifices personal comforts like new winter boots and an air-conditioner to keep his findomme satisfied. “My domme definitely comes first,” he said.
In that sense, financial domination is not so different from some marriages. “We don’t call it findom,” Dr. Kort said. “We see it as romantic, as one partner telling another, ‘I’m going to take care of you.’ In findom, it becomes erotic, but it’s the same dynamic.”
‘Good Boy. Now, Send More.’
Unlike in most marriages, however, there is a persistent fear that a findomme could steal one’s entire savings. And that’s part of the appeal.
Still, Dr. Kort believes that most findom relationships are safe, likening the fetish to an expensive hobby. “If I’m into golf and golfing is important to me, I will wait to spend money on other things, but I’m not going to go broke buying golf clubs,” he said. “It’s the same for subs. The majority are in charge of what they’re spending.”
Mistress Marley would agree. She recounted one draining session she held last July, with a sub who says he is a college student from Boston. She said she wore a black bra and leather corset, logged onto Skype from her Harlem bedroom, and almost immediately received $50 on CashApp.
“Good boy,” she wrote. “Now, send more.” Another $100 landed.
She said she then ordered him to get on all fours, which he did, while he sent another $100. “Good piggy,” she said to him. “Now double it.”
She said she then picked up her phone and scrolled through Instagram, like a bored teenager. When she looked up, she saw another $200. The submissive bowed his head, she said, averting eye contact. “I’m not worthy, Mistress,” he said.
“You’re right,” she said. “Now get on your knees and beg.”
With every insult — “Pathetic” “You’ll never be able to touch this” — the submissive sent another $100 until the total hit $1,000, which took about five minutes. She said that at the end, she snapped her laptop shut without saying goodbye and posted a screen shot of her new CashApp balance.
“I’m never quitting my job,” she wrote in the caption.
Erewhon Market is a Los Angeles-based luxury grocer, the kind of place that offers an organic adaptogenic bone broth cleanse, sells four hard-boiled eggs for $7, and has written its own Juice Cleanse Manual to accompany a two-day serving of Hardcore Greens. And although it seems hard to shock a store full of people who’d drop $140 to give themselves loose stools, it is possible—just ask Mistress Lark.Sex
The 21-year-old dominatrix went either the best or the worst kind of viral after a picture of her with her leash-wearing submissive client was posted on Twitter. “Spotted at Erewhon today,” the post read, accompanied by a photo of Lark walking the man, who was on all fours and wearing a full latex dog hood. It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal—at least not in L.A.—but it’s hard to be interested in ethically produced pumpkins when a man is literally being dog-walked past the produce section.
It also started a largely one-sided conversation on social media about consent, BDSM, and whether it’s appropriate to bring the general public into your kink scenes. This wasn’t the first time that Lark had put this client on his leash and taken him out, but it was the first time that she’s faced significant criticism, or that she’s been stopped by the retail cops. (She admitted that she’d had to paddle the man for misbehaving shortly before she met with Erewhon’s equivalent of Paul Blart.)
“We were asked to leave by security after we had checked out, and they said, ‘You know, we respect what you’re trying to do but we’re going to have to ask you to leave,'” she said. “We left immediately, but we did have to walk back to the store to get to the valet, which was kind of funny. I’m always willing to leave if there’s any kind of offense, but not because [I think] what I’m doing is wrong. My willingness to leave is because I respect other people’s space and because I just don’t want to be where I’m not wanted.”
Lark said that she’s both aware of and sensitive to the other shoppers’ concerns. No, they didn’t consent to taking part in her scene, but she also said that there was nothing “pornographic” occurring: it was just a woman walking her slightly unconventional dog through a store. (VICE reached out to Erewhon for comment but, as of this writing, they have not yet responded).
According to Dr. Julie Fennell, an associate professor of sociology at Gallaudet University who has done extensive research into the BDSM subculture and community, the formal and informal norms of BDSM can be hotly debated, even among avid kinksters—and Lark’s role as a professional dom can further complicate things, because she’s working both with and for the benefit of her client.
“There is a formal norm in the scene that ‘audiences must consent, too,'” Fennell said. “The idea is that you should not actively try to piss people watching off without their consent. This norm is hotly contested, and blatantly violates another formal norm at most BDSM events which is ‘if you see something that offends you, bothers you, or grosses you out that you are reasonably certain is consensual, just move along.’ Many BDSM events try to reconcile these two rules with a formal rule of ‘don’t be a dick,’ meaning that if you’re going to do a public scene that many people would object to, warn people.”Health
Fennell also points out that it can be very difficult to determine how to apply these public behavioral norms in ‘vanilla’ contexts outside of BDSM subcultural events, parties, and spaces. “There are plenty of kinksters who say, ‘as long as it’s legal, go ahead,’“ she said. “There are [also] plenty of other kinksters who say, ‘why are you trying to piss other people off?'”
Those who participate in pet play say that they aren’t necessarily doing it for the “kink” as much as it’s a “more complex” form of adult costuming, she added. “Many pet players argue that children are the people least likely to be offended by pet play because they’re the most likely to view it as a silly or cool adult dressed in a very fancy costume playing a role,” she said. “I also note that I’m hard pressed to imagine why anyone would feel threatened by this woman leading this man on a leash in a store, but I think it’s very reasonable for people to feel threatened by someone wearing a Trump hat or T-shirt. But the former is socially unacceptable and the latter is not.” Tech
The motivations for engaging in pet play tracks with what Lark said about the client she was with at Erewhon, and about other clients who have taken their commitment to pet play even further. “It’s bigger than just roleplay. Calling it roleplay is removing ourselves from the fact that this is deeper than that for a lot of people,” she said. “It can be about the opposite of sexual release, because a lot of these people want to be in chastity for the rest of their lives. They vow never to have sex, they’re usually cucks, and they’re usually more interested in watching the woman be empowered with who she wants to be with.”
Lark says becoming a domme has given her a kind of power and confidence that she hadn’t previously experienced. She was 18 years old, homeless, and trying to process the trauma of a sexual assault, when she read a Craigslist ad for a dungeon. “It said you could live there if you ended up qualifying, and I really needed somewhere to go,” she said. “Once I allowed myself to embody it, I felt like some of the traumas that I went through were sort of alleviated. It was very therapeutic. I felt like I’d always been disrespected and taken advantage of, and I felt very bitter towards the way that women are treated in society. This has been… I think it’s more than any type of sexual release. It’s an emotional release.”
After three years of domming, Lark says that she’s lost some of her initial reservations and has worked to find new ways to keep things interesting for herself and her clients. She started to take her subs on what she calls “lifestyle adventures,” taking them to fetish parties, when she goes out with her friends, or occasionally to the mall or a grocery store. “At the end of the day, I stand beside my decision to do this publicly,” she said. “And I respect other sex workers’ opinions on it… In the future, I might not go as far as to bring out the paddle again, but I do think we can be more open-minded about these things.”
It’s still complicated, and hard to know what the right approach is in some public spaces. “Personally, I prefer to challenge people’s thinking more than their sensibilities when it comes to their attitudes toward kink,” Fennell said. “I think most of the social science research I have ever seen on changing people’s attitudes and beliefs suggests that making them angry or offending them is generally a very bad strategy for doing so. That said, this kind of controversy can generate more knowledge and exposure among people with more neutral attitudes, which might mean that they move from being ‘neutral’ to ‘slightly positive.'”
But still: if you see a leashed man crawling past a Silver Lake supermarket’s in-store tonic bar, maybe just mind your own business.
PUBLISHED: 12:01 BST, 19 May 2021 | UPDATED: 12:21 BST, 19 May 2021
A woman who funds her luxurious lifestyle by draining men’s bank accounts says she’s made ‘millions’ as a financial dominatrix – with one ‘money slave’ spending $30,000 on her in a single day.
Diamond Diva Princess, who lives in California, said her ‘pay pigs’ have a fetish for letting beautiful women spend their hard earned cash for nothing in return.
Despite their generous donations, she has never met any of the men, some of which are married, charges them $50 a minute to speak to them on the phone and never thanks them.
Appearing on This Morning today, Diamond told how one ‘slave’ paid her over $2,000 and then had a heart attack – but he’s ‘recovering now’.Woman who drains men’s bank accounts admits she’s made ‘millions’Loaded: 0%Progress: 0%0:00PreviousPlaySkipMuteCurrent Time0:00/Duration Time0:44Fullscreen
Diamond Diva Princess, who lives in California, said her ‘pay pigs’ have a fetish for letting beautiful women spend their hard earned cash for nothing in return
‘I had one slave that spent $30,000 in one day,’ she told a stunned Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield.
‘I didn’t thank him, I told him to go and get more money and he did after that. They love it, they only pleasure they’re allowed is to know they have contributed to my luxury and made me happy, that’s it, and I tell them that.
‘They can phone me through a listing I have where they don’t see my number, and then they pay $50 a minute, and I usually also charge them a deposit of several $100.
‘I like them to also pay while they’re on the phone with me, so $50 a minute, I don’t consider enough, they also have to be spending while they’re on the phone with me.
‘One other [money slave] that I have spent $20,000 in just over an hour on me. Another one spent $2,000 plus on me and then had a heart attack – he’s recovering now. It’s really fun.’
Appearing on This Morning today, Diamond told how one ‘slave’ paid her over $2,000 and then had a heart attack – but he’s ‘recovering now’
Diamond, who does pin-up modelling, told how she became a financial dominatrix after she was contacted by members of her online fan club who told her they were slaves.
‘I didn’t really understand until one day one contacted me and said he’s a money slave and wants to be a money slave for me,’ she explained.
‘I was like, a money slave, that sounds like the type of slave I might be interested in. When I said to him “what is a money slave, tell me more,” he told me there are these men who want to spend all their money on a beautiful, unobtainable woman and receive absolutely nothing in return.’
Diamond added that her slaves now compete with each other to spend the most money on her.
‘I keep track of a few of them, their tallies and how much they’ve spent on me,’ she said.
Despite their generous donations, Diamond has never met any of the men, some of which are married, charges them $50 a minute to speak to them on the phone and never thanks them
‘Sometimes there will be two of them at a certain tally line, I’ll tell them they’re nose-to-nose, I’ll tell everyone on Twitter, on my website, and I’ll say “I’m going announce when one of you crosses the tally line first” and they become very competitive with each other.’
She added that she has ‘no interest’ in ever meeting any of her money slaves and makes it clear to them that their sole purpose is to ‘lavish her with luxury and worship her from afar’.
Diamond recalled a trip to Beverley Hills funded by her pay pigs, and claimed she ‘could not make a dent’ in the cash they sent her despite shopping at designer stores and dining out at five star restaurants every night.
‘I stayed at the Beverley Hills hotel, they contributed for that event in advance, one of my slaves alone contributed $12,000 to that trip,’ she said.
‘In fact they contributed so much money I was having dinner at the Polo Lounge every night, $500 dinners, shopping on Rodeo drive and I could not make a dent in the amount of money they had sent me for that trip.’
Diamond recalled a trip to Beverley Hills funded by her pay pigs, and claimed she ‘could not make a dent’ in the cash they sent her despite shopping at designer stores and dining out at five star restaurants every night
When asked by Phillip whether she is ever concerned that the men who send her money could be impoverished and spending their last few pennies on her as opposed to their families he said: ‘There could be that possibility but then in any case that could be the possibility of anything really.’
Diamond added that some men are single but others are married and have occasionally been ‘busted’ by their partners.
‘Some of their wives have obviously found out that they’re spending so much money on me and they’ll sometimes bust them and tell them not to do it, but they find a way to do it anyway,’ she said.
‘I have made millions, millions from them, they pay for everything big and small, absolutely everything, top of the line jewellery, fine furs. I invest too, and they pay for all of my investments.’
And Diamond has no plans to stop soon, arguing that the longer she does it, the more ‘revered’ she becomes.
‘With dominatrix and doms, the more experience you have the more revered it is, so that’s also cool,’ she told Holly.
‘It just kind of snowballed that the slaves who’ve served me for so long continue to do so, and then I acquire new ones. It’s really fun.’
Before Fifty Shades of Grey made steamy encounters part of mainstream conversation, people mostly talked about their sexual proclivities in hushed tones behind closed doors. But according to a recent study on sexual diversity in the United States, more than 22 percent of sexually active adults admitted to enjoying role-playing, and another 20 percent said they enjoyed being tied up. With that in mind, we at Best Life did a deep dive to find out what goes on in the bedrooms of adults across the country in an effort to determine the kinkiest state in America.
To do that, we used data revealed by PornHub’s statisticians on the popularity of BDSM searches in each state by showing the percentage above or below what the national average is for these types of searches. For context, BDSM (which stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) is known as one of the most popular sexual genres. (Note: This data was not available for Delaware, New Jersey, and Rhode Island.)
We then factored in the number of swingers—people who engage in group sex and/or the consensual swapping of sexual partners—per 10,000 residents in every state. (A blog called Sex Club Diary published this data based on research conducted by using AdultFriendFinder, a dating site that is popular among swingers in the U.S.)
Lastly, Lovehoney, a U.K.-based company that sells sex toys in America, shared exclusive data with Best Life that shows how much sales increased during the period of March 3, 2020 to Jan. 4, 2021 compared with sales from the same period the year prior.
Finally, we gave each of these three metrics a weighted value before running them through our exclusive algorithm to see how each state scored on our 100-point scale Kink Index, with 0 being as vanilla as a single scoop of ice cream and 100 being the most uninhibitedly kinky.
He was not a sex educator, a sex worker or a political figure. No case law was established in his name.
But to cultural historians, anthropologists, sex educators and members of the now sprawling alternative-sex community known by the umbrella acronym of B.D.S.M. — for bondage, dominance, sadism and masochism — or by the more prosaic (and historical) term “kink,” Pat Bond, to use the pseudonym he preferred, was a foundational figure, applauded at conferences, noted in academic papers and hailed as an elder by those who shared his interest in role-playing sex.
A modest, elfin man with a Van Dyke beard that turned snowy with age, Mr. Bond had long had masochistic fantasies but had never acted on them until he was 44. It was 1970, and the identity politics of that era made him think there must be others like him. He wasn’t looking for sex so much as community when he placed an ad in Screw, the pornographic magazine geared toward heterosexual men, that read:
“Masochist? Happy? Is it curable? Does psychiatry help? Is a satisfactory life-style possible? There’s women’s lib, black lib, gay lib, etc. Isn’t it time we put something together?”
Five people answered the ad, but only two showed up to that first meeting in Mr. Bond’s tiny East Village apartment: a heterosexual woman who went on to adopt the pen name Terry Kolb and a gay man who never returned — annoyed, Mr. Bond said later, “that we were all into different things.”
Every week, however, more and more people appeared: just masochists at first, but eventually sadists, too, were welcome.
All were eager for community, not just sex, and under Ms. Kolb and Mr. Bond’s leadership, they formed a nonprofit organization. They named it the Eulenspiegel Society for Till Eulenspiegel, a picaresque character in German folklore who was cited as a symbol of masochism in “Masochism in Modern Man,” a 1941 book by Theodor Reik, a protégé of Freud’s, that was one of the few texts at the time about this erotic minority.
Alternative papers like The Village Voice at first refused to run ads for the organization, which later adopted the acronym TES. But after Mr. Bond, Ms. Kolb and others picketed The Voice’s offices and Ms. Kolb wrote an article, which The Voice published, advocating for “masochist’s lib,” the paper relented.
TES meetings were run like encounter groups with educational programming — expert speakers weighed in on sexual techniques or on legal or psychological issues — and also as exercises in consciousness raising, following the practices of the day.
The group hashed out an ideology — “freedom for sexual minorities,” as they described themselves — and advocated for their community, marching in the Christopher Street Gay Liberation Day March, the precursor to New York City’s gay pride parade. There was a board, and a mission statement, written by Mr. Bond, that declared, among other freedoms, “the right to pursue joy and happiness in one’s own way, according to one’s evolving nature, as long as this doesn’t infringe on the similar happiness of others.”
Mr. Bond died on Feb. 13 in a hospital in Far Rockaway, Queens. He was 94. Deborah Callahan, a family friend, confirmed the death, which was not widely reported at the time, and said he had suffered from congestive heart failure.
“TES was really a new kind of kinky organization in that it was social, political and educational,” said the feminist author and cultural anthropologist Gayle Rubin, who has written extensively about sexual subcultures.
Dr. Rubin, who is an associate professor of anthropology and women’s and gender studies at the University of Michigan, added: “TES expanded the organizational repertoire of sadomasochism. In addition, Pat Bond and Terry Kolb began to develop a political language for S-and-M.
“They were able to do that in part because of the times. It was a period when many social movements were articulating political frameworks for various populations that had been marginalized. They also drew from the language of gay liberation, where there was already a model for repositioning what had been seen as sexual deviation as a sexual minority. To do this for sadomasochism was pretty breathtaking at the time.”
(Ms. Kolb left the group the year it began and moved to California. She eventually joined Samois, a group for lesbian sadists and masochists, the first of its kind, that had been modeled on TES. She now identifies as bisexual. In a phone interview, she remembered Mr. Bond as being “introverted and very serious.”)
The Eulenspiegel Society was unusual in collecting disparate groups — heterosexual as well as gay — “and affirming their dignity and defending their political rights,” said Rostom Mesli, who has studied the identity politics of the 1970s and is the managing director of the Leather Hall of Fame, which recognizes individuals or organizations that have made distinct contributions to kinky subcultures. Mr. Bond and Ms. Kolb were recognized in 2015.
“The assumption,” Dr. Mesli added, “was that kinksters who would never have sex together still had things to do together, could learn from one another or do activism together. It totally redefined the borders of the kinky world by creating a sense of community and shared identity among groups that had evolved with virtually no connection among each other.”
TES had its own magazine, Prometheus, at first distributed at meetings and erotic specialty stores, but eventually at mainstream emporiums like Tower Records in New York City. It is now online only. In the early days, it included an S-and-M horoscope and comic strips, as well as personal ads and ads for supplies.
Mr. Bond wrote articles in which he wondered if S-and-M behaviors were cathartic or developmental. He worried that they might veer into abuse, or become addictive. And he urged that his organization “practice diligence and intelligence” so that it might always be “a liberating force.”
The magazine was not without a sense of humor. After the list of names on its masthead, a parenthetical promised, “If we missed anybody important, we’ll grovel in the next issue.”
Pat Bond was born Walter Allen Campbell on May 24, 1926, in St. Petersburg, Fla., the youngest of three children. His father, Joel, was an orthodontist who died when Allen, as he was known, was 6. His mother, Marie, was a homemaker.
He attended the New York State College for Teachers at Albany, now the University at Albany, and graduated in 1951. He worked as a music teacher in New York City’s public school system and later as a secretary.
Since the late 1970s, Mr. Bond had lived in a basement apartment in Ms. Callahan’s family home in Far Rockaway, a century-old three-story clapboard house that his mother had owned and sold to Ms. Callahan’s parents. Ms. Callahan’s father, known to TES members as Brother Leo, was Mr. Bond’s best friend.
“Allen was a member of our family,” Ms. Callahan said. “He would sing at our dinner table, and lead us in Christmas carols. He was lovely. He cared deeply about justice, and doing the right thing. He was marching for various causes up until 15 years ago. He always wanted to be helpful, even when he could no longer really help.”
Mr. Bond was married briefly when he was young, and the marriage was annulled. He eventually found a dominatrix after TES’s founding — he called her his “lady friend,” Dr. Mesli said. That relationship lasted for nearly half a century, until the woman’s death a few years ago.
“Our sexuality has typically been something you make fun of or sensationalize to sell something,” said Susan Wright of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, an advocacy group that fights discrimination against those in the B.D.S.M. community. “Pat offered something different: Let’s just sit down and talk. He was at the cutting edge of conversations about consent and understanding what it means to look your partner in the eye and not be scared to be honest about what you desire.
“Consent is the heart of this community,” she continued. “It’s the difference between kink and abuse. And then of course the education: How do you do this safely? If you’re going to be spanked, what’s the best spot?”
In the half-century since TES’s founding, Mr. Bond’s organization and the community it serves have come out of the shadow — sort of.
At its peak, in the early 1990s, the Eulenspiegel Society had 1,100 members. The internet pruned its ranks — there are countless alt-sex communities and dating sites online — but also opened its programming to a wider audience.
Despite his age, Mr. Bond was able to attend the 2018 TES Fest, his last. “Someone offered to put him on a leash, in an age-sensitive way, and led him around,” Michal Daveed, a spokesman for the organization, recalled. “He seemed very happy.”